Analyzing Our Families

In class this week, we discussed the structure of the family, and how it can be divided into several systems, and subsystems. We spent a lot of time talking about what different relationships fall into these categories, and how they can affect the families directly. We also learned about different roles and rules that we all form in our families, and how sometimes they are unspoken. In my blog today, I am going to talk about some of these different systems and rules we discussed, and the importance of recognizing these within our own families.

          Social scientists have formed a theory called the Family Systems Theory to better help us understand this topic. The Family Systems Theory states that we should all analyze our families, looking at how we interact with each other, how we feel about our family members, and decisions we make based on these feelings. Once we have made the analysis, we will start to realize different systems and subsystems developed within the family. An example of a subsystem that can develop would be parents working together to help their kids be as successful as possible. Another could be two siblings that are mad at their parents because of something they didn’t think was fair. Some of these can be positive, and obviously some can have negative outcomes. Regardless of how these subsystems are formed, we need to make sure we are all working together as a family to identify them, and put a stop to anything that could be negatively affecting the family

          One factor of these systems we talked about was rules. Every system is going to have some sort of rules, whether we want them to or not. Sometimes these rules are family rules that we all make together and agree upon. Sometimes they are rulings the parents make in order to keep their children safe. There are even time times that unspoken rules form within the family. These unspoken rules are learned or discovered when someone breaks one of them. When we were discussing these in class, I thought back to a time I broke an unspoken rule that was completely unknown to me at the time. It is important to know that my family bleeds BYU blue through our veins. My grandfather was especially proud to be a cougar fan, and never missed the opportunity to watch a game in our home or at the stadium. There was one day when BYU just wasn’t playing their best (no surprise there) and Grandpa was definitely not happy with their performance. I approached my Grandfather to ask him a question about something not related to the game, and he told me in a very sharp and direct manner to ask him again later once it was over. I do want you all to know that he came up to me after an apologized for his behavior, and he admitted he shouldn’t have acted that way over a football game. I forgave him, but learned a lesson in that moment. I learned that one of the unspoken rules in our family was that we didn’t approach Grandpa when BYU was playing.

Something we also discussed in class are Symbolic Interactions. In simple terms, this means that we all interpret forms of communication differently. A hug may mean one thing to you and something completely different to someone else. Our professor shared a story that he would do the dishes when he would get home from work in order to help out his wife. One day, she told him that she didn’t like it when he did the dishes because she thought that he thought she was lazy for not doing the dishes, that she sat home all day not doing any housework. This had gone on for several years, and was something that she never confided in him until that point. He thought he was doing her a favor and serving her, but she obviously saw it differently. This is a perfect example of how a simple gesture can be misinterpreted in a very dramatic way, and can have a big impact upon a family.

As we talked about these different ideas and theories in class, I really thought hard about my own family. I thought about good subsystems we have, as well as some that I am not proud to admit I was a part of. We shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves when we recognize we are a part of a negative system, recognizing that no families are perfect. What is important is to learn from our mistakes and grow from them. We need to learn how to better recognize these situations in our families, so we can become stronger and closer each and every day.